A Day In The Life Of The Secret MP

In an exclusive series, Politics Punked are proud to present an insight into the lives of a number of high profile MPs – but, to get even deeper we’ve agreed to preserve their anonymity to enable them to tell you exactly what they think and how they work. The following is the first in what I’m sure you’ll agree is a unique glimpse into the world of the people running our country right now.

By The Secret MP #1

What a great day to be alive.
I awake with the smell and sound of Mrs Secret MP, downstairs in the kitchen knocking me up a truly English breakfast. Lovely: Danish bacon, Irish sausages, and eggs from…er.. well, eggs is eggs. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against the continental breakfast, but, you didn’t get the lads on the beaches of Normandy enjoying a quick bit of pastry muesli before giving it both barrels to Johnny Hun – no the English Empire was built on a more substantial morning meal.

I enjoy breakfast. Mrs Secret MP and I have been married for 35 glorious years and she knows that I can’t be disturbed in the mornings when I’m planning my manoeuvres for the rest of the day. Today, I read the Telegraph (I used to take the Mail as well, but since Paul left, it’s gone down some pinko liberal direction, and, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for free speech, but not in my house). Today on the front page of the Telegraph there is an interesting article about climate change and these crusty types who’ve been gluing their various parts to inanimate objects. Fair play to them, they’ve brought the subject to my attention – I used to think that climate change was a load of old cobblers, but, now, I can see that I was wrong and, quite frankly, I’m in favour of it. Climate change won’t do us any harm at all, in fact, if the sea levels do rise, and put a few more miles between us and the coast of Europe that’s all well and good – it’s exactly what 17.4 million people voted for – in fact, I think I’ll make a speech in the House lauding the fact that sea levels will effect Europe, but won’t effect England, because we’ve got the white cliffs of Dover and they haven’t. It’s what my old man fought on the beaches of Normandy for, keeping the cliffs of Dover, English.

After, taking a million calls from various radio and television outlets keen on securing my services, I make my way to the House of Commons – where I’m proud to be a Member. Doing all I can for my constituents and ensuring that democracy and free speech is preserved for future generations, in fact I feel so passionately about the concept of free speech, I’m quite happy to kick the living daylights out of anyone who disagrees with me.

As I walk from the Tube to the House, I pass the usual collection of protestors – I have to say that occasionally I am subjected to a bit of abuse by them. I am not a poisonous Tory dwarf, but I do have a big file in my office with all their names and addresses on, one day, when all this is over I’ll be round with a load of lads tooled up in a van – because you can’t get away scot-free with highjacking the will of the people and surrendering to Europe.

Inside the House, there is much excitement over the big issue of the day – I mean of course, Brexit. You might not know this, and I’m quite proud to impart this bit of knowledge on to you, but actually, I was the person who first coined the phrase Brexit. I can tell you the exact date – April 21st 2015, it was a meeting of the 1922 Committee, and during a rather impassioned exchange with George Osborne, I have to say that in my desperate desire not to say the word ‘Bollocks,’ I uttered the now immortal word, ‘Brexit.’

And I’m proud to say that we have now won the argument about Britain’s involvement in the EU. My father didn’t fight on the beaches of Normandy to let some unelected German dictators living in luxury penthouses in Brussels to tell the English people what to do.

And people say, what about the 16m who voted to remain – well, I say, Brexit. Brexit to you and your surrendering treacherous mates in the liberals and the left wing media and the BBC.

Anyway, I meet up with some of my colleagues in the tea room. They bring me up to date with the deal that Boris Johnson wants to put before the House this Saturday. I have to say, that there is plenty of debate within the group. Steve Baker has got a lot to say and he’s a very clever chap.
‘Isn’t this a bit like the deal that we said was terrible?’ I ask him. ‘Well,’ he replies, ‘if we don’t get it done today, further delay may impact on business.’
I’m not initially impressed by this, I mean didn’t we agree on a clean break Brexit? Jacob Rees-Mogg, another very clever chap, speaks up with some very clever words: ‘your father didn’t fight on the beaches of Normandy to have Brexit delayed,’ he says, and that is good enough for me.

We then discuss the Irish question. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love the Irish, they’re fine people, well most of them, not the ones who spent decades trying to blow us up, obviously, they’re Paddy bastards – but it appears that we may have to pay them off to ensure their support in Parliament – well, to my mind, that’s a price worth paying to ensure fairness and democracy and that the will of the people is maintained.

Because at the end of the day that’s what we’re all trying to achieve. God save the Queen, and may England long rule the waves.

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