‘Bollocks, Bullshit and Brexit’ – The Wacky Races are off…

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By Gareth R Roberts

So, Johnson has finally got his way: the Queen has been consulted, Parliament is dissolved, and the Parties have started the process of pitching themselves to the electorate.

And, thus far, it’s been a total shit show – Wacky Races, but without the laughs.

Sure, only those lucky enough to be either on drugs, or weirdly disengaged from the UK might have expected this general election campaign to be an exercise in thoughtful debate and reason, leading to a happy synthesis, where Brexit is resolved with hand-shakes and high-fives – but, even by the pessimistic expectations of the rest of us, the start of the general election campaign has been a car crash.

As soon as the starter gun sounded our Wacky Racers all immediately either drove into a tree or blew themselves up trying to sabotage their competitors.

Let’s start with the Tories – after 2017, most of us thought that their election campaign couldn’t get any worse – this time, we assumed, the Tories would run a slick, gaffe-free and effective campaign. But no, fair play to them – they’ve put their foot on the accelerator and gone straight to International Class arrogance and mendacity.

It started with Jacob Rees-Mogg, one of the most odious politicians ever to swank his way around Westminster, Dastardly to Johnson’s Mutley, suggesting that the people who were killed at Grenfell were somehow possessing of lesser common sense than someone like him. If you were ever tempted to support the Tories, if you ever found yourself musing, ‘you know, I just want to get it done,’ then swiftly remind yourself how arrogant and superior such a view is. Of course, he tried to suggest that it was a slip of the tongue and that he didn’t really mean it – bollocks, of course he meant it – Rees-Mogg is one of those Tories who has no clue whatsoever about the real lives of real people.

Then, in an attempt to throw a stick of dynamite into the Labour Party spokes, we had the Tory central office putting out doctored clips of Keir Starmer’s TV interview in a concerted attempt to make it look as though the fundamentally intelligent and thoughtful Starmer, was struggling. He wasn’t, it was a fake – again demonstrating just how low the Tories will go to win this election. ‘It was humorous’ said James Cleverley – yeah, if you are a twenty year old Tory Party worker, who’s sexual experience amounts to Red Tube, and thinks that being in the same room as Dominic Raab is the most exciting thing ever.

Mutley Johnson has started the race by promptly rendering himself mute. Just as in the Tory Leadership Election, Johnson’s appearances will be limited to set-pieces and photo-ops, such is their fear that if he actually speaks to a real person he will say something so unutterably stupid that it will affect the Tory vote. And this is the man who pitches himself as the people’s tribune – well, Johnson, if you aspire to represent the people, then at least bloody talk to one or two of them.

Then there is the resignation of Alun Cairns, erstwhile anonymous Secretary of State for Wales and fervent supporter of a ‘friend’ who it turned out had deliberately attempted to derail a rape trial by trying to tell a jury that the complainant was sexually promiscuous – what a twat! But, not enough of a twat for Mr Cairns to withdraw his support.

Yep, one day in and the Tories are demonstrating that massive arrogance and a mislaid sense of superiority renders one brainless.

But, if the Tory party have shown their colours early – then, sadly, so have Labour – the Anthill Mob of the contest – driving around looking confused and sinister before taking a wrong turn and driving off a cliff.

With everyone begging the Labour Party to demonstrate their clarity on Brexit, Corbyn makes the assertion that Labour will go to Brussels, negotiate a ‘better deal’ than Johnson, then come back to Westminster and get it through Parliament all within six months of him being elected.

If that sounds like bullshit – then its because it is.

What does it even mean? Will Labour negotiate an amazing deal, then, in the referendum they’ve promised, campaign against it? Corbyn, says he will be neutral in any vote – but, how can that possibly be if he is offering to the electorate a deal that is so superior to the one which Johnson has cobbled together.

When, oh when, oh bloody when, will Labour realise that the best deal we have is the one we currently enjoy – in the EU!

Then, with Labour enjoying the Tories problems, their Deputy Leader Tom Watson promptly resigns. The glee of the Corbynistas is barely contained – Labour needs a Deputy who is on the same side as the Leader, they say, which translates as, don’t step out of line, don’t dare to challenge the mighty Jeremy, otherwise the pressure that you will come under will be unbearable – you will be shot by one of the AntHill Mob. Watson says he is leaving for personal not political reasons – yeah, right.

And Corbyn is not the only leader putting themselves front and centre of their party’s campaign – Jo Swinson, the Penelope Pitstop of the race, has rebranded her party as ‘Jo Swinson’s Liberal Democrats,’ which some wag on Twitter described as sounding like a re-formed 1980s pop band where a contractual dispute prevents them from using the original name – Jo Swinson’s Liberal Democrats: Mike Nolan’s Bucks Fizz. Seems to fit.

The first day saw the Lib-Dems declare that after they revoke article 50, they will have a few quid to spend on various good causes – which is brilliant, except, if we revoke article 50, then won’t the money have to go to the EU to cover our renewed membership? Just saying.

Anyway, fear not, there are only another 34 days to go.

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